The Art of Breaking Up
There comes a point in every man’s life where he gets bucked off the bronco. This happened to me recently after an intense relationship and I’m proud to say that I took about 95% of my own advice listed below.
From my POV, this is the best way for a man to handle a breakup:
The Breakup Moment
When a relationship is deteriorating and a girl reaches a tipping point where she wants to break up with you or that she ‘needs space’, pause, look at her, nod your head and say ‘alright’, get your things and walk out.
No arguing, no debate, no discussion. In my experience, a girl will be startled by this reaction and try to immediately corral you for some kind of post-breakup closure-talk, but you’re not going to give it to her.
You’re about to evaporate.
The Immediate Aftermath
Since it’s you who’s driving the break-up-bus, your next move will be to write her to coordinate the logistics of exchanging your stuff. In this instance of contact and only in this instance of contact, I don’t see a problem with mentioning that you’re heartbroken/disappointed and that you wish things turned out differently.
That said, the focus of your message should suggest matter-of-factly on where you’ll drop her stuff off and where you’ll get yours. If possible, it’s best that you arrange it to where you won’t see her– as in she should leave your stuff with a doorman or at a doorstep for pickup.
In the coming weeks, you need to demonstrate that you don’t want to speak, and that you’re not interested in getting or giving “closure”, and that you’d rather not see her.
Don’t tell her this explicitly, let your behavior do the talking.
Contact is on your terms, and no further details or explanations are necessary for the unlucky girl who’s getting dropped from your life. Your actions/behavior, not your words, will let her know that the axe has dropped and that it’s over for you as well.
On this note, keep communication to text message or email.
The First 30-60 Days
So after you’ve exchanged stuff, cut them out of your life completely for a month or so — get rid of her on facebook, skype, whatsapp, or any other social media where you’ll be attempted to keep tabs.
Hopefully you’ll avoid the temptation to peak on her profiles but don’t beat yourself up too bad if you slip. What’s important during this period is that you don’t initiate contact and don’t respond to her ‘breadcrumbs’, especially while you’re still bitter and vulnerable.
You just took one on the chin, so embrace the heartache and madness that comes with the fallout of a breakup.
Assume the worst is happening —that she’s rebounded and she’s getting pound by her ex or some other guy. Consider it a test of your strength and a critical moment in forging you as a man: your ability to walk calmly away from love gone sour, wounded, but with a large measure of dignity.
Hit the gym, go for walks, spend time with friends, and start doing things that get you in motion. You’re not ‘bouncing back’ you’re getting into another groove.
Women always doubt themselves and their decisions, so if she liked you and respected you at one point, she’ll most likely swing back around and reinitiate contact during this period.
Just don’t forget that it’s more about her than you— girls want male attention, confirmation of their desirability, and validation of their decision to let you go.
If you act out and get pissy with her, she gets all of the above.
The strong man feels pain and controls his reactions.
She may be out with another guy and things may appear good, but her position is still fragile. She gave herself over to you at one point and if you’re not sweating her after a breakup, if she can’t get a rise out of you, then this deals a humongous blow to her perceived womanhood and feminine powers.
The Long Game
At some point, maybe a few months out, the dust will settle, you’ll feel less bitter, and I advise taking a tone of polite distance and benign indifference even if you still want her back.
Maybe you can respond briefly to some emails/texts but what you want to avoid is getting roped into a back-and-forth volley of your life situations, post-breakup drama, or I-miss-you’s.
She’s in the rearview mirror now and you need to see your time, attention, and energy as a limited resource that she has forever lost access to.
Good Rules of Thumbs
When she asks you if you still love her. She wants validation: ignore, don’t respond.
When she asks you if you miss her. She wants validation: ignore, don’t respond.
When she send emails recalling fond memories. It’s bait. Ignore.
She may wish you happy bday, merry xmas, or happy thanksgiving. Be curt and cordial with a thanks, hope you’re ok.
She may send a long, thoughtful, wistful email telling you how much she misses you a good while after the breakup.
If it’s well-written and truly thoughtful, i think a curt and cordial response is okay even if it’s bait. A two-sentence message that thanks her for the nice words and hope she’s doing okay is sufficient acknowledgement.
Don’t look at her social media. It’ll put you in a state of turmoil for the day.
Don’t sulk and ask how she could leave you.
Don’t insult her or call her a whore.
Don’t brag about new lovers. (but DO be seen with one smile )
Don’t gloat if/when she comes back
Don’t give her any details about your new life.
Don’t tell her you’re thinking about her also.
Don’t ever take her back unless she indicates explicitly that she wants to be with you and basically grovels…..It’s almost always better to replace than repair.